It's been a little while since my last post, but considering the events of the last few weeks I think it's understandable. It's been hard for me to make a return, but I'm here. I may feel hollow, as if something significant has died inside, but I'm still here. I'm still alive, and I am surviving.
I think I'm still in shock, to be honest. I didn't see this coming. I thought he was happy with us. Which in hindsight is kind of stupid, because while he was living on the Gold Coast I was still in Sydney, and I knew he wasn't in a happy place. But I truly thought he was getting better. I was busy planing to move up there to be with him.We were planning overseas trips. I was happy. I didn't realise he wasn't anymore.
This really isn't easy for me. I love Shaine more than anything. And it's absolutely gut wrenching to know that the future that you had planned is no longer there. But if someone doesn't love you back, what can you do? If you truly love someone, you have to let them go. And I truly do love him. So I have to let him go.
The first few days were really hard. I tried to keep myself busy - I went to the beach to tan and go for a walk, and I caught up with a friend and met a few new people and went out to Ivy (where we subsequently got kicked out - arguing with the bouncer is never a good idea, but that's a story for another time), but I mainly stayed at home. While seeing people did help, the fact of the matter is when it got to 1am I was crying because I'm over getting drunk and going out and I wanted to go home to Shaine. I tried to go to work, but I couldn't concentrate.
I'm back at work now. I suppose I could say I'm feeling a little bit better, but it's mainly because I'm not crying anymore. I actually wish I could cry - all I feel is a pain in my chest that I wish I could release. I flit between feeling that or numbness. Since I can't release the pain, or I'm finding myself numb, I'm throwing myself into my Mortgage Brokers course. It's taking my mind off things and giving me something to look forward to.
I'm not going to move home to Perth. I think that a lot of people expect me to. But I don't want to, and I wont. Although I am fairly isolated here in Sydney, I do enjoy my job and I get paid well. I'm going to stay here for at least the next 12 months and start looking after me. I'm going to throw myself into my work and my study, and finally pay off my debt and save up some money. Eventually I will become a Mortgage Broker, travel overseas, get the breast enlargement surgery I've always wanted (shhh), and buy a home.
I don't know what else to say. I guess I'll write another post when I do.
x Mich
