It's been a little while since my last post, but considering the events of the last few weeks I think it's understandable. It's been hard for me to make a return, but I'm here. I may feel hollow, as if something significant has died inside, but I'm still here. I'm still alive, and I am surviving.
I think I'm still in shock, to be honest. I didn't see this coming. I thought he was happy with us. Which in hindsight is kind of stupid, because while he was living on the Gold Coast I was still in Sydney, and I knew he wasn't in a happy place. But I truly thought he was getting better. I was busy planing to move up there to be with him.We were planning overseas trips. I was happy. I didn't realise he wasn't anymore.
This really isn't easy for me. I love Shaine more than anything. And it's absolutely gut wrenching to know that the future that you had planned is no longer there. But if someone doesn't love you back, what can you do? If you truly love someone, you have to let them go. And I truly do love him. So I have to let him go.
The first few days were really hard. I tried to keep myself busy - I went to the beach to tan and go for a walk, and I caught up with a friend and met a few new people and went out to Ivy (where we subsequently got kicked out - arguing with the bouncer is never a good idea, but that's a story for another time), but I mainly stayed at home. While seeing people did help, the fact of the matter is when it got to 1am I was crying because I'm over getting drunk and going out and I wanted to go home to Shaine. I tried to go to work, but I couldn't concentrate.
I'm back at work now. I suppose I could say I'm feeling a little bit better, but it's mainly because I'm not crying anymore. I actually wish I could cry - all I feel is a pain in my chest that I wish I could release. I flit between feeling that or numbness. Since I can't release the pain, or I'm finding myself numb, I'm throwing myself into my Mortgage Brokers course. It's taking my mind off things and giving me something to look forward to.
I'm not going to move home to Perth. I think that a lot of people expect me to. But I don't want to, and I wont. Although I am fairly isolated here in Sydney, I do enjoy my job and I get paid well. I'm going to stay here for at least the next 12 months and start looking after me. I'm going to throw myself into my work and my study, and finally pay off my debt and save up some money. Eventually I will become a Mortgage Broker, travel overseas, get the breast enlargement surgery I've always wanted (shhh), and buy a home.
I don't know what else to say. I guess I'll write another post when I do.
x Mich
4 comments:
Planning things and keeping yourself busy will be very important for you over the next few months. You need some things to look forward to now that the things that were in your calendar have been wiped away. 2 and a half weeks until your first planned trip (P.S. = post shaine)and im so happy its here to see me :)
Jas xx
Oh Michelle you're so brave sharing that but I'm grateful that you did. Break ups and heart break are possibly the hardest thing you'll go through in life as love seems to make us throw away rule books and leave our hearts open for whatever it throws at us. When things dont go to plan it hurts, especially when you saw it as forever ... I love that you have your goals that you listed at the bottom of the post and THATS whats important right now. Focus on you, your goals, your life and whats important (men and Shaine arent right now, you are). I felt compelled to share with you a list of the Dali Lama's 18 rules of living that I have pinned up in my study that I just love and hope will give you some feeling of happiness even if only for a fleeting moment (p.s When you get to number 17, know that you WILL find the man who fits that. Your love for each other will exceed the need for each other.)
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
- Respect for self
- Respect for others
- Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
Anna xx
http://lifesshinyprettythings.blogspot.com/
Jasmine - you mean the world to me, thank you so much for all your support. I love you and can't wait to see you xx
Anna - thank you so much for your kind words. I remember reading your post on the Dalai Lama's 18 Rules of Living, and I'm glad that you have taken the time to share it again with me on my blog. You have a beautiful blog, and it appears to be the reflection of someone who is truly beautiful and positive both inside and out. I'm going to take a leaf out of your book and pin up those rules close by so that I have a reminder everyday of how to continue living a good life xx
It always helps me to remember that these feelings will not last, I know they feel like they will but they will fade over time and I guarantee you will be a stronger woman for going through this! And I just saw the title of one of your other posts about the clothes he banned you from wearing- no one should ever ban you from wearing anything! You are young and beautiful and deserve to express yourself and your creativity through your wardrobe! I for one, am glad you are not with him anymore- I don't know him but I don't like him already. Remember, it's just one day at a time and with every hour that passes, it will get a little easier, you are not alone!!! Xoxo
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